Day five: punch, not drunk, love

Three facts: 

Feeling unfit = rubbish.

Being fit = the best feeling ever.

Trying to get from one to the other = very hard work !

Today began the fitness factor of my training. A healthy mind is my end game but a healthy body to match would be a dream come true.

Right now i weigh 9st 13 pounds. So basically 10 stone. Yes i know that doesn’t make me obese but that’s not the point. I am unfit, soft all over, i have unsightly cellulite on my backside and my clothes don’t feel or look like they used to. The alcohol and unhealthy eating habits have caught up on me and i can’t get away without exercising anymore. So, as per my mantra of change i put the first step forward to changing that today.

Having not done any exercise for over 5 months, the clever approach would’ve been to do a  pilates / yoga class to get me back into the swing of things. Maybe a swim even. Or you could just use my clearly insane style and sign up for a 9.30am box fit class with a military style trainer; non stop 45 minute boxing, squats, press ups and burpies all carried out to intense house music…. It was painful and i hated it. Having slept through my first alarm i woke up in a bit of a panic. I made a carrot, banana and ginger smoothie for breakfast then power walked to the gym. The smoothie was a mistake as it repeated on me every time i bounced up and down, which turns out was the whole 45 minutes. Everyone else there looked like they knew what was going on and even had their own boxing gloves with them! I was in the back row struggling to keep the massive gloves on  my hands and try and stay positive whilst burping banana and realising what a mad idea a box fit class was. Yuk. Needless to say my neck and shoulders are now in agony and my pillow currently stinks of deep heat. what a total idiot!

At least I had exercised, showered, washed and dried hair all by 11am, by which time yesterday i was only just getting up! so there’s an improvement.

I took the bus into town and met sister 1 for ramen. I am very blessed to have such close family  support. When my therapist recommended the 12 step program / the pan fellowship i realised i had a problem but also that i  did not necessarily need an organisation to kick myself into gear. I am strong willed when i put my mind to it and i have an incredible network of friends and family who have and will continue to catch me when i fall.

At home i had what felt like a solo birthday tea party ! I received 3 valentines cards in the post and a mini cake and card delivered by sister 3 to my front door this morning! SO much love. What a lucky girl I am. turns out a single girls V day is the new B day!

I made a list of films i want to watch (as per my plan yesterday) then headed to sister 2’s house for dinner and a film. ‘Tell no one’, a french crime thriller. It included some fantastic shots, a rather confusing but very clever plot line and some beautiful scenes of French landscape which made me long for warmer days.

I revealed my sobriety to sister 2 this evening. she was, as i expected, supportive but did mention that i have been though ‘clean’ spells before. Is this just another one of them i wondered? is this what people are thinking? do i care what people think? And so the anxiety kicks in and i’ve exhausted myself and my mind.

It dawned on me today that this is going to be really tough until at least 6 months have passed. I think that’s my goal date. Not to give up and start drinking again, no way. But a goal to realise I can make a change. That I can and do respect myself.

August 10th… feels like a fucking long way away. Oh fuck, Don’t wish the year away!

Step by step, day by day. That’s all I can do.



Day one: easy peasy

Off course it was easy. It’s day one – if i failed now I’d be signing up for AA or the pan fellowship immediately.

I couldn’t sleep last night, my head was spinning with all the information i’d shared at therapy and all the great plans i have for my new sober life. I kept thinking about my birthday, which is 2 months away, how healthy and happy i’d be by then. I don’t want this to be just another phase in my life. Oh look she’s going through a ‘non drinking’ phase. Isn’t she being good. I want it to be just part of my identity. I want people to act normally around me but remember the fact I don’t drink. Just the same way I don’t have milk in my tea or sugar in my coffee.

I eventually woke around 11am, having missed my initial doctors appointment and 4 work related phone calls. My head ached, my mouth was dry and my limbs felt lifeless. The air in the flat was freezing, I cautiously lifted the edge of the bedroom blind to see snow drifting down upon disgruntled looking Londoners. Brrrr, i dived back under the duvet and fell asleep for another hour.

Mid day, Mid day for goodness sake. Up, music, coffee, bath on. Returned phone calls, second coffee in the bath. Amazing i thought how i struggle to drink even one glass of water a day and yet three or sometimes 4 coffees slip down a treat.

I brushed my teeth and took a good look at myself in the mirror. ‘Who are you and why are you so unhappy sometimes’ i said out loud to myself. I then gave myself a pep talk, during which i cried but never lost eye contact with myself. ‘You deserve to be happy. You are not a bad person. It’s not all your fault. Be kind to yourself. You will allow yourself to love yourself’

I dressed, applied makeup and tied up my dirty hair. Threw the window open to allow the lingering stagnant air of last nights wine and cigarette smoke out and the freezing sobering air of a new day in.

I invited my mother and sister for a simple lunch; Soup, cheese and tea. Not the fancy affair i’d normally do with everything laid out beautifully and plenty of money spent on the preparations. Simple and honest – just the way I want to go forward with my life. I talked openly about my session yesterday. About the therapists concerns with substance abuse and his suggestions that I join a 12 step program or the Pan Fellowship. My sister immediately scoffed at the idea, commenting that a 12 step program was for people with real problems. My mother wasn’t so quick to shun the idea but didn’t think the Godly nature of the Pan Fellowship would suit me. An opinion I agree with greatly. I am a spiritual person but an athiest all the same. I felt embarrassed at first talking about it but soon realised nobodys opinion really matters. This is MY life. it’s up to me to decide how i move forward from here and they will support me no matter what. that i really do believe now, after the traumas and dramas of the past few years. My sister asked if i was giving up with the idea that one day i’d be able to have a glass of champagne at a friends birthday. she doesn’t get it, nor does she realise how much of a dependancy i have. No, i told her. “when someone becomes a vegetarian, they’re not working towards being able to eat a bacon sandwich one day”

I spent what was left of the afternoon watching a few episodes of ‘the affair’ the program that makes me long for warm summer nights, sea swimming and to be kissed and held by a tall handsome man!

I spent the evening at my mothers flat, where i am now… sober and in bed at a reasonable hour – well its midnight but at least its not 3am. We watched ‘Captain Fantastic’, film about a man and his children living in American woodland, a peaceful idyllic life from the outside but so removed from reality and the challenges of ‘everyday’ life.

My mother is so proud of me. I reminded myself that this is not for anyone else but myself but still it was lovely to see her looking happy at me smiling rather than concerned for me. Day one. just day one is over…