Expensive Insomnia

It’s 4.30am, i am yet to go to sleep.

As i am completely wide awake i decided to read about how long it takes your body to de-tox after quitting alcohol. One of the main side effects mentioned, which should hopefully only occur in the first two weeks, is insomnia. This is because my body has been used to alcohol as a sleeping aid in the evenings. Over time is has affected my sleep homeostasis; the regulating mechanism or 24 hour body clock. This is also why  people who drink heavily normally ‘pass out’ then wake up in the middle of the night feeling restless. Basically i have been missing out on the REM stage so my body can no longer communicate to itself how to fall asleep.

I feel sick to think that my internal system is all out of kilt because of booze. I’ve been damaging myself in so many ways that i didn’t even think of.

Aghhhhhhhhh Don’t do your normal thing and start berating yourself and beating yourself up for what has happened in the past. Its in the past, leave it there. 

It was reassuring to read about how quickly my liver would start to lose fat, which has apparently built up over years of drinking. My blood pressure will reduce, my concentration will increase and eventually I should sleep a lot better. I really hope so because this insomnia business is not fun. I think it could drive me completely mad and will also leave me bankrupt!

Last night it was the £200 photo books (one for me and one as a gift for my boss)

Tonight i have done a £200 ocado shop – BUT that is enough stuff to do a whole afternoon of cooking on Sunday to freeze stuff. See, it’s good – i’m thinking ahead, planning, organising, or just behaving like a mad nocturnal animal !

I guess this way it means I can get a lot of life admin done in the middle of the night !!

Oh fuck, who am i kidding, this fucking sucks. My body feels twitchy and aching, a weird combination of wanting to rest and wanting to go for a run or swim or something. I feel like i’ve got a whole load of nervous energy built up. I’m also hungry but i’m not eating now, it’s 5am, that’s madness. I’d go for a walk but i don’t think it’s very wise a young female walking around on her own in the dark.

I also feel really hot. I have barely turned my heating on in the last week. yeah i guess it’s got a bit milder but not that much. It’s still February. I’ve just opened my bedroom window to let some air in and  i feel hot and trapped and a bit panicked. I just want to be asleep like a normal person…

I have to fight this stage. I will force myself to get up early tomorrow, today even, in a few hours. even if i’m asleep by then. I will take a walk, do pilates and maybe not drink any coffee tomorrow. But, If i’ve got to give up alcohol AND coffee i will be seriously fucked off! No coffee after mid day, let’s try that instead…

Good night / good morning

The ‘Fuck it’ attitude

I feel as though I have struggled a bit today. Nothing drastic has happened, i have just been feeling a bit anxious and tired. I think lack of sleep hasn’t helped. Also having this much time off work and mainly to myself takes a bit of getting used to.

Last night I stayed up making a digital photo book, a collection of stills from the last film I worked on. I didn’t intend to work through the night to get it done, i just got into the zone and was really enjoying seeing it all come together. Before I knew it the book was 96 pages long, is going to cost £100 to get printed and I could hear birds singing, it was 7am. I pressed order and climbed into bed feeling wired and weirded out that i have no off button. It’s not like I was working on a deadline or to a cut off date i needed to order the book by, it’s just  something i’ve been meaning to do for a few weeks. Any reasonable sane minded person would’ve had a rethink in the morning and realised £100 per book was an insane amount of money and tried to edit it down.

Not me. I have no ability to reason with myself. In that moment there is no such thing as sense. Whatever i’m doing, about to buy, whoever I’m kissing, how much i’m snorting, who i’m sleeping with, if i’m smoking, how fast i’m driving or how much i’m drinking, it’s all the sam; if i choose it, if i want it, in that moment there is NO reasoning with myself. All the sins are somehow justifiable. Fuck it –  that has been my motto & attitude for longer than i can remember.

Staying up throughout the night when i didn’t have to get up for work is no major sin but the repercussions are frustrating. I was too tired to go to my pre paid exercise class, so that wasted £10. I was running late for meeting a friend for lunch so decided it’d be quicker if i drove into town. £10 congestion charge and £20 on parking charges, plus petrol. It’s wasteful and makes me angry with  myself. I had planned to get up, have a healthy breakfast, work out, walk to the tube and be on time for lunch. Fuck it i could say, sometimes life gets in the way, no one was hurt, £40 isn’t that much money bla bla bla. Bullshit, i’m so bored of excusing my dysfunctional behaviour. If i make a plan i want to stick to it. Fuck it just won’t fly anymore.

Positive actions of the day: (warning some of these are very trivial!!!) i got a refund on some john lewis items that’ve been kicking about the house for a while, i bought a new electric toothbrush but only after i’d been refunded for the faulty one i returned, i ate three healthy meals and drank lots of water, i upholstered my desk chair i’ve been meaning to do for a while – very home made style but still it’d done and looks fab! I went to  my happy place – the cinema – and watched ‘The Founder’ great film about the man who franchised then took over Mc Donald’s in the 50’s. A story I knew nothing off before. Oh and finally, day eight without drinking.

Goodnight. Next to tackle on the list of imbalances is my crazy sleeping  patterns !