The ‘Fuck it’ attitude

I feel as though I have struggled a bit today. Nothing drastic has happened, i have just been feeling a bit anxious and tired. I think lack of sleep hasn’t helped. Also having this much time off work and mainly to myself takes a bit of getting used to.

Last night I stayed up making a digital photo book, a collection of stills from the last film I worked on. I didn’t intend to work through the night to get it done, i just got into the zone and was really enjoying seeing it all come together. Before I knew it the book was 96 pages long, is going to cost £100 to get printed and I could hear birds singing, it was 7am. I pressed order and climbed into bed feeling wired and weirded out that i have no off button. It’s not like I was working on a deadline or to a cut off date i needed to order the book by, it’s just  something i’ve been meaning to do for a few weeks. Any reasonable sane minded person would’ve had a rethink in the morning and realised £100 per book was an insane amount of money and tried to edit it down.

Not me. I have no ability to reason with myself. In that moment there is no such thing as sense. Whatever i’m doing, about to buy, whoever I’m kissing, how much i’m snorting, who i’m sleeping with, if i’m smoking, how fast i’m driving or how much i’m drinking, it’s all the sam; if i choose it, if i want it, in that moment there is NO reasoning with myself. All the sins are somehow justifiable. Fuck it –  that has been my motto & attitude for longer than i can remember.

Staying up throughout the night when i didn’t have to get up for work is no major sin but the repercussions are frustrating. I was too tired to go to my pre paid exercise class, so that wasted £10. I was running late for meeting a friend for lunch so decided it’d be quicker if i drove into town. £10 congestion charge and £20 on parking charges, plus petrol. It’s wasteful and makes me angry with  myself. I had planned to get up, have a healthy breakfast, work out, walk to the tube and be on time for lunch. Fuck it i could say, sometimes life gets in the way, no one was hurt, £40 isn’t that much money bla bla bla. Bullshit, i’m so bored of excusing my dysfunctional behaviour. If i make a plan i want to stick to it. Fuck it just won’t fly anymore.

Positive actions of the day: (warning some of these are very trivial!!!) i got a refund on some john lewis items that’ve been kicking about the house for a while, i bought a new electric toothbrush but only after i’d been refunded for the faulty one i returned, i ate three healthy meals and drank lots of water, i upholstered my desk chair i’ve been meaning to do for a while – very home made style but still it’d done and looks fab! I went to  my happy place – the cinema – and watched ‘The Founder’ great film about the man who franchised then took over Mc Donald’s in the 50’s. A story I knew nothing off before. Oh and finally, day eight without drinking.

Goodnight. Next to tackle on the list of imbalances is my crazy sleeping  patterns !

Day seven: one week sober

This time last week i was pouring the remainder of a bottle of red wine down the sink. I had been on the phone crying to my mother. I had got up late, felt miserable all day, achieved nothing and come home feeling angry after my therapy session. Why should I have to give up alcohol? what does he know? i’ve only ever met him once and he thinks he knows me. As i went to pour myself the last glass of the bottle i had nearly consumed the entirety of, i stopped in my tracks. When i put my mind to it i have the will power of an Ox. I once turned vegetarian on a silly bet and that lasted nearly 20 years… So, i thought. This is it. Maybe i’m seeing his opinion as a challenge but what an amazing challenge to take on. Maybe it’ll be so successful i can then claim it was all my idea!! So the remains of the wine went down the drain, not my throat.

I am completely flabbergasted by how differently i feel. I am sleeping better, i haven’t got a headache when i wake up. I am not craving carbs, in fact i feel like i’ve got my taste buds back and am longing for fruit and vegetables. As a result of both these side effects i have more energy so have been to the gym twice this week. I have crossed off pretty much everything on my ‘to-do’ life admin list. AND i have not cried once, not once all week! That for me is a fucking miracle. For once i feel as though i am looking after myself and being kind to my body.

Writing has also been a hugely therapeutic exercise. I know it’s not the most exciting blog to read but it’s a brilliant way for me to track my emotions.

I haven’t been hibernating at home in the evenings as i feel like that  would be an easy way for me to avoid confronting alcohol. Not that i didn’t used to drink  at home. I often had a bottle of wine an evening to myself. I have purposefully been out to events where people are drinking. A dinner, a cinema evening where we meet fora drink before hand, a cosy pub on a sunday afternoon. Yeah sure i fancied a glass of wine or a beer on these occasions but I am fully aware that that’s not all i’d want. One glass has never been enough for me. Even if everyone else was restrained i’d want to continue drinking.

As i watch a film a day i have also noticed that watching films sober is a  new experience. I am so much more aware of the details, the dialogue, the flaws even. I feel as though i’ll remember these films better too. They won’t just all merge into one another.

I haven’t lost weight. i know that because i had a new patient check  at the doctor this morning and had to weigh myself. I am 155cm tall and weigh exactly 10 stone. So, the aim is to get back to 9 stone, that’s what i used to weigh in my 20’s.  Just because i’m in my early 30’s now why should accept carrying a stone more weight ?! I have made a pact with myself not to go on diet though,  every diet i’ve ever tried has become an obsession, no surprise there then! Instead I am eating three meals a day. No second portions and no snacking in between meals. That’s it. Those are my rules. Oh, that and the fact  I want to try and do 3 three gym classes a week. AND no alcohol. Boom, if that doesn’t work i don’t know what will. Yes it’ll take longer than some fad crash, juice detox bullshit but i don’t care. I am this for the long haul. It is a lifestyle change, not a rapid transformation.

This afternoon i went to a pilates class and totally loved it. Unlike the mad boxing idea which i am STILL in agony from, pilates was peaceful yet challenging and instantly made me feel more toned. The teacher was a beautiful, elongated, silky  haired, smooth skinned excuse of a woman who made me feel both envious and inspired!

At home, my haven of a flat, high on a london hill, i bathed  by candle light then made a yummy supper, received my ocado delivery (yep my fridge is full of food… again!) and watched a film. ‘Hunt for the wilderpeople’ I didn’t love it, it had some touching moments but it was a bit too daft on the whole.

I feel content. I feel at ease. I have not felt like this for a looooooong time. Please can it last.

Goodnight x

Day six: snot spring yet but i’ll clean anyway

Snotty nose, sore throat, headache, dry cough, aching limbs… oh joy! I’m pretty sure the aching limb part is all self induced boxing injuries from yesterday so that i can’t complain about but the rest is pretty  yuk.

I was supposed to do a pilates class mid morning but didn’t feel up to it so decided to spring clean my flat. Why is organising one’s possessions so therapeutic? I went though my clothes, make up, toiletries, shoes and accessories and made a pile for the charity, some stuff for my ebay sales and the rest put away in a sensical fashion. I must make a pledge not to spend any more money on clothes for a while. At least until i’m back down to  my goal weight. Having been through them today it reminded me how many lovey items i own and how i must wear more of a variety and STOP shopping!!

My addictive personality effects me in the following ways:


Over the last 6 days I have touched on alcohol, food and exercise. Today made me think about how i spend my money. I want to talk about how i spend my money but i feel overwhelmingly tired so am going to sign off now and pick up this subject tomorrow.

Today’s Film: ‘Toni Erdmann’ third foreign film in a row. It was quite magical and unusual, too long but very unusual. Based on a father, daughter relationship. Another subject which needs addressing on this blog!!

Goodnight, thank you for reading.

To be continued…


Day five: punch, not drunk, love

Three facts: 

Feeling unfit = rubbish.

Being fit = the best feeling ever.

Trying to get from one to the other = very hard work !

Today began the fitness factor of my training. A healthy mind is my end game but a healthy body to match would be a dream come true.

Right now i weigh 9st 13 pounds. So basically 10 stone. Yes i know that doesn’t make me obese but that’s not the point. I am unfit, soft all over, i have unsightly cellulite on my backside and my clothes don’t feel or look like they used to. The alcohol and unhealthy eating habits have caught up on me and i can’t get away without exercising anymore. So, as per my mantra of change i put the first step forward to changing that today.

Having not done any exercise for over 5 months, the clever approach would’ve been to do a  pilates / yoga class to get me back into the swing of things. Maybe a swim even. Or you could just use my clearly insane style and sign up for a 9.30am box fit class with a military style trainer; non stop 45 minute boxing, squats, press ups and burpies all carried out to intense house music…. It was painful and i hated it. Having slept through my first alarm i woke up in a bit of a panic. I made a carrot, banana and ginger smoothie for breakfast then power walked to the gym. The smoothie was a mistake as it repeated on me every time i bounced up and down, which turns out was the whole 45 minutes. Everyone else there looked like they knew what was going on and even had their own boxing gloves with them! I was in the back row struggling to keep the massive gloves on  my hands and try and stay positive whilst burping banana and realising what a mad idea a box fit class was. Yuk. Needless to say my neck and shoulders are now in agony and my pillow currently stinks of deep heat. what a total idiot!

At least I had exercised, showered, washed and dried hair all by 11am, by which time yesterday i was only just getting up! so there’s an improvement.

I took the bus into town and met sister 1 for ramen. I am very blessed to have such close family  support. When my therapist recommended the 12 step program / the pan fellowship i realised i had a problem but also that i  did not necessarily need an organisation to kick myself into gear. I am strong willed when i put my mind to it and i have an incredible network of friends and family who have and will continue to catch me when i fall.

At home i had what felt like a solo birthday tea party ! I received 3 valentines cards in the post and a mini cake and card delivered by sister 3 to my front door this morning! SO much love. What a lucky girl I am. turns out a single girls V day is the new B day!

I made a list of films i want to watch (as per my plan yesterday) then headed to sister 2’s house for dinner and a film. ‘Tell no one’, a french crime thriller. It included some fantastic shots, a rather confusing but very clever plot line and some beautiful scenes of French landscape which made me long for warmer days.

I revealed my sobriety to sister 2 this evening. she was, as i expected, supportive but did mention that i have been though ‘clean’ spells before. Is this just another one of them i wondered? is this what people are thinking? do i care what people think? And so the anxiety kicks in and i’ve exhausted myself and my mind.

It dawned on me today that this is going to be really tough until at least 6 months have passed. I think that’s my goal date. Not to give up and start drinking again, no way. But a goal to realise I can make a change. That I can and do respect myself.

August 10th… feels like a fucking long way away. Oh fuck, Don’t wish the year away!

Step by step, day by day. That’s all I can do.



Day four: from squat to temple

Having this forced time off work has made me realise that i have zero hobbies. Yes i read, i occasionally or obsessively (depending on my mental health) go to the gym, i used to run nearly every day but haven’t done so for years, i play no instruments, i don’t go to any classes, i can’t really speak any languages (i don’t think French A level counts once you’re in your 30’s) etc etc etc. Ok ok hold up, let’s not get negative. Let’s think about what i DO show interest in and maybe what i could expand on…

Film. Film for me has never been a hobby as such. It’s a passion in that whilst working i love, live and breathe the movie i am making. In between jobs i watch a film a day, no not as an obsession like everything else in my life. Just because i love the adventure, the distraction, the displacement, the other worldliness of the stories and characters i am watching. I am very happy to go to the cinema on my own and was delighted when, at  Christmas my sister gave me the gift of membership to a local cinema – practically opposite my flat. So yes, film could be called one of hobbies and one which i’d like to  make more of an effort with. I don’t want to just watch the relevant and recent movies. I want to watch a broader range of films. Tomorrow i shall make a list and broaden my filmic knowledge.

Cooking. cooking can not be classed as a hobby for me. My  relationship with food, is like everything else which causes me confusion, stress, anxiety and distraction. Drink, drugs, men, sex, sleep, exercise; just add food to the list. Do i binge eat the therapist asked me? I said no with conviction because in my head i have a vision of someone stuffing themselves with chocolate bars when i think of binge eating. I have never done that. However, on reflection, since our brief chat about food, i have come to think that maybe i do binge – or at least used to until 4 days ago. This is partly because i don’t cook. I don’t plan, i don’t do a weekly food shop, my fridge is inevitably empty bar booze, the odd lemon and a jar of something. my usual eating habits are to miss breakfast every morning. Instead I chase a black coffee with yet another black coffee. Around 10.30 / 11am i feel starving at work, cross with  hunger, hangry i think it’s recently been nicknamed. So i eat a few rounds of toast with more coffee which sustains the hunger but also puts me off lunch. Around 3pm the same thing happens, i’m famished, faint even with hunger and my head hurts because i’ve drunk too much coffee and not a drop of water. By this time i’m normally out for work, so stop at a petrol station and eat an unhealthy late lunch of sandwiches, crisps and chocolate which i think will help wake me up. off course the opposite happens, after a short sugar high, the carb loaded lunch kicks in and i am crashing… one way to fix this… caffeine. By the time i get home, sometimes 9pm it’s too late to even think of cooking. So i either order take away on my way home or dine on wine and whatever i can throw together – toast, cheese, toast, cereal, toast. The next day, i wake with a headache – still de-dydraeted – and tired so breakfast consists of 2x headache pills and 2x coffees and so the cycle continues. Until i broke it, 4 days ago. Looking back at this confession i am slightly shocked at how i have been treating my body for so many years. Is it any wonder i’ve been feeling as low and pathetic about myself as i have for so long. I have come close to ending my life because i have such little self esteem and self respect. what a fucking waste. I will NOT dwell on these mistakes. i will be stronger for having learned from them. I’ve been treating my body like a squat not a temple. Thank fuck for the changes i have already made.

I have forced myself – forced, wrong word – too strong. Introduced myself to the habit of breakfast for the past few days. A fruit smoothie and a coffee. I have drunk  over a litre of water every day and plenty of detox teas. Lunch  has been fish and salad or something simple – an egg on toast. This evening i cooked for the first time in months. I made vegetable soup from scratch and was so proud of myself at the end when it was actually very tasty. Three meals. That’s all i need to keep up. It’s not a game anymore. No one cares if you don’t eat. I used to love the way my ex asked me if i’d eaten. I lied so so so many times and said no when i  had. Why? it’s so daft and sad. i just want to be worried about and cared for, however i can get the attention i will go after it. i think back to a time my friends told me i’d got too thin – it was during my cocaine days – not that they knew that. i loved that feeling of people worrying. and now i hate myself for loving that. it’s so pathetic and hopeless. I just want to be  healthy. i can feel my body absorbing all the nutrients and goodness I’ve given it recently and it is responding by being kinder to my mind. my mind feels clearer and calmer. It’s just me now. i’m not proving anything to anyone, i’m not pretending, there’s nobody to lie to. It’s just me.

Writing – now there’s a hobby! Boom, i love it too.

Tomorrow …. list of films and exercise.

Good night x