Day seven: one week sober

This time last week i was pouring the remainder of a bottle of red wine down the sink. I had been on the phone crying to my mother. I had got up late, felt miserable all day, achieved nothing and come home feeling angry after my therapy session. Why should I have to give up alcohol? what does he know? i’ve only ever met him once and he thinks he knows me. As i went to pour myself the last glass of the bottle i had nearly consumed the entirety of, i stopped in my tracks. When i put my mind to it i have the will power of an Ox. I once turned vegetarian on a silly bet and that lasted nearly 20 years… So, i thought. This is it. Maybe i’m seeing his opinion as a challenge but what an amazing challenge to take on. Maybe it’ll be so successful i can then claim it was all my idea!! So the remains of the wine went down the drain, not my throat.

I am completely flabbergasted by how differently i feel. I am sleeping better, i haven’t got a headache when i wake up. I am not craving carbs, in fact i feel like i’ve got my taste buds back and am longing for fruit and vegetables. As a result of both these side effects i have more energy so have been to the gym twice this week. I have crossed off pretty much everything on my ‘to-do’ life admin list. AND i have not cried once, not once all week! That for me is a fucking miracle. For once i feel as though i am looking after myself and being kind to my body.

Writing has also been a hugely therapeutic exercise. I know it’s not the most exciting blog to read but it’s a brilliant way for me to track my emotions.

I haven’t been hibernating at home in the evenings as i feel like that  would be an easy way for me to avoid confronting alcohol. Not that i didn’t used to drink  at home. I often had a bottle of wine an evening to myself. I have purposefully been out to events where people are drinking. A dinner, a cinema evening where we meet fora drink before hand, a cosy pub on a sunday afternoon. Yeah sure i fancied a glass of wine or a beer on these occasions but I am fully aware that that’s not all i’d want. One glass has never been enough for me. Even if everyone else was restrained i’d want to continue drinking.

As i watch a film a day i have also noticed that watching films sober is a  new experience. I am so much more aware of the details, the dialogue, the flaws even. I feel as though i’ll remember these films better too. They won’t just all merge into one another.

I haven’t lost weight. i know that because i had a new patient check  at the doctor this morning and had to weigh myself. I am 155cm tall and weigh exactly 10 stone. So, the aim is to get back to 9 stone, that’s what i used to weigh in my 20’s.  Just because i’m in my early 30’s now why should accept carrying a stone more weight ?! I have made a pact with myself not to go on diet though,  every diet i’ve ever tried has become an obsession, no surprise there then! Instead I am eating three meals a day. No second portions and no snacking in between meals. That’s it. Those are my rules. Oh, that and the fact  I want to try and do 3 three gym classes a week. AND no alcohol. Boom, if that doesn’t work i don’t know what will. Yes it’ll take longer than some fad crash, juice detox bullshit but i don’t care. I am this for the long haul. It is a lifestyle change, not a rapid transformation.

This afternoon i went to a pilates class and totally loved it. Unlike the mad boxing idea which i am STILL in agony from, pilates was peaceful yet challenging and instantly made me feel more toned. The teacher was a beautiful, elongated, silky  haired, smooth skinned excuse of a woman who made me feel both envious and inspired!

At home, my haven of a flat, high on a london hill, i bathed  by candle light then made a yummy supper, received my ocado delivery (yep my fridge is full of food… again!) and watched a film. ‘Hunt for the wilderpeople’ I didn’t love it, it had some touching moments but it was a bit too daft on the whole.

I feel content. I feel at ease. I have not felt like this for a looooooong time. Please can it last.

Goodnight x

Day five: punch, not drunk, love

Three facts: 

Feeling unfit = rubbish.

Being fit = the best feeling ever.

Trying to get from one to the other = very hard work !

Today began the fitness factor of my training. A healthy mind is my end game but a healthy body to match would be a dream come true.

Right now i weigh 9st 13 pounds. So basically 10 stone. Yes i know that doesn’t make me obese but that’s not the point. I am unfit, soft all over, i have unsightly cellulite on my backside and my clothes don’t feel or look like they used to. The alcohol and unhealthy eating habits have caught up on me and i can’t get away without exercising anymore. So, as per my mantra of change i put the first step forward to changing that today.

Having not done any exercise for over 5 months, the clever approach would’ve been to do a  pilates / yoga class to get me back into the swing of things. Maybe a swim even. Or you could just use my clearly insane style and sign up for a 9.30am box fit class with a military style trainer; non stop 45 minute boxing, squats, press ups and burpies all carried out to intense house music…. It was painful and i hated it. Having slept through my first alarm i woke up in a bit of a panic. I made a carrot, banana and ginger smoothie for breakfast then power walked to the gym. The smoothie was a mistake as it repeated on me every time i bounced up and down, which turns out was the whole 45 minutes. Everyone else there looked like they knew what was going on and even had their own boxing gloves with them! I was in the back row struggling to keep the massive gloves on  my hands and try and stay positive whilst burping banana and realising what a mad idea a box fit class was. Yuk. Needless to say my neck and shoulders are now in agony and my pillow currently stinks of deep heat. what a total idiot!

At least I had exercised, showered, washed and dried hair all by 11am, by which time yesterday i was only just getting up! so there’s an improvement.

I took the bus into town and met sister 1 for ramen. I am very blessed to have such close family  support. When my therapist recommended the 12 step program / the pan fellowship i realised i had a problem but also that i  did not necessarily need an organisation to kick myself into gear. I am strong willed when i put my mind to it and i have an incredible network of friends and family who have and will continue to catch me when i fall.

At home i had what felt like a solo birthday tea party ! I received 3 valentines cards in the post and a mini cake and card delivered by sister 3 to my front door this morning! SO much love. What a lucky girl I am. turns out a single girls V day is the new B day!

I made a list of films i want to watch (as per my plan yesterday) then headed to sister 2’s house for dinner and a film. ‘Tell no one’, a french crime thriller. It included some fantastic shots, a rather confusing but very clever plot line and some beautiful scenes of French landscape which made me long for warmer days.

I revealed my sobriety to sister 2 this evening. she was, as i expected, supportive but did mention that i have been though ‘clean’ spells before. Is this just another one of them i wondered? is this what people are thinking? do i care what people think? And so the anxiety kicks in and i’ve exhausted myself and my mind.

It dawned on me today that this is going to be really tough until at least 6 months have passed. I think that’s my goal date. Not to give up and start drinking again, no way. But a goal to realise I can make a change. That I can and do respect myself.

August 10th… feels like a fucking long way away. Oh fuck, Don’t wish the year away!

Step by step, day by day. That’s all I can do.