Day two: passed the test

Funny how when you give something up it’s all you can think about, even if you didn’t used to think about it before. My first thought this morning was relief that day one was over and I was now well on the way to finding emotional and physical sobriety. Did I feel radically different, clearer headed and chirpy? Not particularly. It was a freezing, sleeting, grey February Saturday. I still woke up without a man by my side and an ache in my heart but yes i admit there was a change in my mental state.

I had breakfast and coffee with Ma, before taking her to the train station and coming home to my cold empty flat. Do i get low and feel the loneliness or do i fight it and enjoy this peace and solitude? The choice is completely and only mine. After receiving a tearful phone call from my sister about how tired she was and how her 7 month year old daughter wouldn’t sleep. I decided the later choice was one i should relish in. So, i ran a bath, gave myself a facial, manicure and pedicure. washed and dried my hair, made a tasty healthy lunch and curled up to watch an afternoon film in the serenity of my own space. it was sheet bliss.

I took my time getting ready for this evening and felt very happy in my outfit. I looked and felt like me. As i looked in the mirror i thought, can’t remember the last time i really felt i knew who i was. I’m not sure if any of that  makes sense, but it does to me.

It was a really enjoyable evening. 6 girlfriends, including 2 sisters, out for an evening of comedy and music. I realised i didn’t even want a drink when i got there. I also noticed how expensive the drinks were. I will be happier, healthier and better off, what could be more of an inspiration? The comedy was fantastic, on point and moving at times. Just what a roomful of women needed on a Saturday night so close to Valentine’s night, some sexy sassy girl power comedy. Boom.

We left the venue which was preparing to turn into a nightclub in favour of a local cosy pub. A wise move, and one which made me realise i’ve chosen a good time to kick the booze. I’m not in my 20’s anymore. I’m not saying i won’t  have a late night clubbing ever again, i mean i can’t excuse waking up with a horrific hangover and vomiting the next day because of it. I want to look after my body, my heart, my liver. I want to make the most of my Sundays. I have done ENOUGH days feeling sorry for myself or hiding under my duvet. enough enough enough.

Home, in bed with make up  washed off – that really is a first! I don’t feel high and mighty and proud of myself. I just feel calm and ready to continue this journey.

Goodnight x

 

Day one: easy peasy

Off course it was easy. It’s day one – if i failed now I’d be signing up for AA or the pan fellowship immediately.

I couldn’t sleep last night, my head was spinning with all the information i’d shared at therapy and all the great plans i have for my new sober life. I kept thinking about my birthday, which is 2 months away, how healthy and happy i’d be by then. I don’t want this to be just another phase in my life. Oh look she’s going through a ‘non drinking’ phase. Isn’t she being good. I want it to be just part of my identity. I want people to act normally around me but remember the fact I don’t drink. Just the same way I don’t have milk in my tea or sugar in my coffee.

I eventually woke around 11am, having missed my initial doctors appointment and 4 work related phone calls. My head ached, my mouth was dry and my limbs felt lifeless. The air in the flat was freezing, I cautiously lifted the edge of the bedroom blind to see snow drifting down upon disgruntled looking Londoners. Brrrr, i dived back under the duvet and fell asleep for another hour.

Mid day, Mid day for goodness sake. Up, music, coffee, bath on. Returned phone calls, second coffee in the bath. Amazing i thought how i struggle to drink even one glass of water a day and yet three or sometimes 4 coffees slip down a treat.

I brushed my teeth and took a good look at myself in the mirror. ‘Who are you and why are you so unhappy sometimes’ i said out loud to myself. I then gave myself a pep talk, during which i cried but never lost eye contact with myself. ‘You deserve to be happy. You are not a bad person. It’s not all your fault. Be kind to yourself. You will allow yourself to love yourself’

I dressed, applied makeup and tied up my dirty hair. Threw the window open to allow the lingering stagnant air of last nights wine and cigarette smoke out and the freezing sobering air of a new day in.

I invited my mother and sister for a simple lunch; Soup, cheese and tea. Not the fancy affair i’d normally do with everything laid out beautifully and plenty of money spent on the preparations. Simple and honest – just the way I want to go forward with my life. I talked openly about my session yesterday. About the therapists concerns with substance abuse and his suggestions that I join a 12 step program or the Pan Fellowship. My sister immediately scoffed at the idea, commenting that a 12 step program was for people with real problems. My mother wasn’t so quick to shun the idea but didn’t think the Godly nature of the Pan Fellowship would suit me. An opinion I agree with greatly. I am a spiritual person but an athiest all the same. I felt embarrassed at first talking about it but soon realised nobodys opinion really matters. This is MY life. it’s up to me to decide how i move forward from here and they will support me no matter what. that i really do believe now, after the traumas and dramas of the past few years. My sister asked if i was giving up with the idea that one day i’d be able to have a glass of champagne at a friends birthday. she doesn’t get it, nor does she realise how much of a dependancy i have. No, i told her. “when someone becomes a vegetarian, they’re not working towards being able to eat a bacon sandwich one day”

I spent what was left of the afternoon watching a few episodes of ‘the affair’ the program that makes me long for warm summer nights, sea swimming and to be kissed and held by a tall handsome man!

I spent the evening at my mothers flat, where i am now… sober and in bed at a reasonable hour – well its midnight but at least its not 3am. We watched ‘Captain Fantastic’, film about a man and his children living in American woodland, a peaceful idyllic life from the outside but so removed from reality and the challenges of ‘everyday’ life.

My mother is so proud of me. I reminded myself that this is not for anyone else but myself but still it was lovely to see her looking happy at me smiling rather than concerned for me. Day one. just day one is over…