Expensive Insomnia

It’s 4.30am, i am yet to go to sleep.

As i am completely wide awake i decided to read about how long it takes your body to de-tox after quitting alcohol. One of the main side effects mentioned, which should hopefully only occur in the first two weeks, is insomnia. This is because my body has been used to alcohol as a sleeping aid in the evenings. Over time is has affected my sleep homeostasis; the regulating mechanism or 24 hour body clock. This is also why  people who drink heavily normally ‘pass out’ then wake up in the middle of the night feeling restless. Basically i have been missing out on the REM stage so my body can no longer communicate to itself how to fall asleep.

I feel sick to think that my internal system is all out of kilt because of booze. I’ve been damaging myself in so many ways that i didn’t even think of.

Aghhhhhhhhh Don’t do your normal thing and start berating yourself and beating yourself up for what has happened in the past. Its in the past, leave it there. 

It was reassuring to read about how quickly my liver would start to lose fat, which has apparently built up over years of drinking. My blood pressure will reduce, my concentration will increase and eventually I should sleep a lot better. I really hope so because this insomnia business is not fun. I think it could drive me completely mad and will also leave me bankrupt!

Last night it was the £200 photo books (one for me and one as a gift for my boss)

Tonight i have done a £200 ocado shop – BUT that is enough stuff to do a whole afternoon of cooking on Sunday to freeze stuff. See, it’s good – i’m thinking ahead, planning, organising, or just behaving like a mad nocturnal animal !

I guess this way it means I can get a lot of life admin done in the middle of the night !!

Oh fuck, who am i kidding, this fucking sucks. My body feels twitchy and aching, a weird combination of wanting to rest and wanting to go for a run or swim or something. I feel like i’ve got a whole load of nervous energy built up. I’m also hungry but i’m not eating now, it’s 5am, that’s madness. I’d go for a walk but i don’t think it’s very wise a young female walking around on her own in the dark.

I also feel really hot. I have barely turned my heating on in the last week. yeah i guess it’s got a bit milder but not that much. It’s still February. I’ve just opened my bedroom window to let some air in and  i feel hot and trapped and a bit panicked. I just want to be asleep like a normal person…

I have to fight this stage. I will force myself to get up early tomorrow, today even, in a few hours. even if i’m asleep by then. I will take a walk, do pilates and maybe not drink any coffee tomorrow. But, If i’ve got to give up alcohol AND coffee i will be seriously fucked off! No coffee after mid day, let’s try that instead…

Good night / good morning