Day five: punch, not drunk, love

Three facts: 

Feeling unfit = rubbish.

Being fit = the best feeling ever.

Trying to get from one to the other = very hard work !

Today began the fitness factor of my training. A healthy mind is my end game but a healthy body to match would be a dream come true.

Right now i weigh 9st 13 pounds. So basically 10 stone. Yes i know that doesn’t make me obese but that’s not the point. I am unfit, soft all over, i have unsightly cellulite on my backside and my clothes don’t feel or look like they used to. The alcohol and unhealthy eating habits have caught up on me and i can’t get away without exercising anymore. So, as per my mantra of change i put the first step forward to changing that today.

Having not done any exercise for over 5 months, the clever approach would’ve been to do a  pilates / yoga class to get me back into the swing of things. Maybe a swim even. Or you could just use my clearly insane style and sign up for a 9.30am box fit class with a military style trainer; non stop 45 minute boxing, squats, press ups and burpies all carried out to intense house music…. It was painful and i hated it. Having slept through my first alarm i woke up in a bit of a panic. I made a carrot, banana and ginger smoothie for breakfast then power walked to the gym. The smoothie was a mistake as it repeated on me every time i bounced up and down, which turns out was the whole 45 minutes. Everyone else there looked like they knew what was going on and even had their own boxing gloves with them! I was in the back row struggling to keep the massive gloves on  my hands and try and stay positive whilst burping banana and realising what a mad idea a box fit class was. Yuk. Needless to say my neck and shoulders are now in agony and my pillow currently stinks of deep heat. what a total idiot!

At least I had exercised, showered, washed and dried hair all by 11am, by which time yesterday i was only just getting up! so there’s an improvement.

I took the bus into town and met sister 1 for ramen. I am very blessed to have such close family  support. When my therapist recommended the 12 step program / the pan fellowship i realised i had a problem but also that i  did not necessarily need an organisation to kick myself into gear. I am strong willed when i put my mind to it and i have an incredible network of friends and family who have and will continue to catch me when i fall.

At home i had what felt like a solo birthday tea party ! I received 3 valentines cards in the post and a mini cake and card delivered by sister 3 to my front door this morning! SO much love. What a lucky girl I am. turns out a single girls V day is the new B day!

I made a list of films i want to watch (as per my plan yesterday) then headed to sister 2’s house for dinner and a film. ‘Tell no one’, a french crime thriller. It included some fantastic shots, a rather confusing but very clever plot line and some beautiful scenes of French landscape which made me long for warmer days.

I revealed my sobriety to sister 2 this evening. she was, as i expected, supportive but did mention that i have been though ‘clean’ spells before. Is this just another one of them i wondered? is this what people are thinking? do i care what people think? And so the anxiety kicks in and i’ve exhausted myself and my mind.

It dawned on me today that this is going to be really tough until at least 6 months have passed. I think that’s my goal date. Not to give up and start drinking again, no way. But a goal to realise I can make a change. That I can and do respect myself.

August 10th… feels like a fucking long way away. Oh fuck, Don’t wish the year away!

Step by step, day by day. That’s all I can do.



Day two: passed the test

Funny how when you give something up it’s all you can think about, even if you didn’t used to think about it before. My first thought this morning was relief that day one was over and I was now well on the way to finding emotional and physical sobriety. Did I feel radically different, clearer headed and chirpy? Not particularly. It was a freezing, sleeting, grey February Saturday. I still woke up without a man by my side and an ache in my heart but yes i admit there was a change in my mental state.

I had breakfast and coffee with Ma, before taking her to the train station and coming home to my cold empty flat. Do i get low and feel the loneliness or do i fight it and enjoy this peace and solitude? The choice is completely and only mine. After receiving a tearful phone call from my sister about how tired she was and how her 7 month year old daughter wouldn’t sleep. I decided the later choice was one i should relish in. So, i ran a bath, gave myself a facial, manicure and pedicure. washed and dried my hair, made a tasty healthy lunch and curled up to watch an afternoon film in the serenity of my own space. it was sheet bliss.

I took my time getting ready for this evening and felt very happy in my outfit. I looked and felt like me. As i looked in the mirror i thought, can’t remember the last time i really felt i knew who i was. I’m not sure if any of that  makes sense, but it does to me.

It was a really enjoyable evening. 6 girlfriends, including 2 sisters, out for an evening of comedy and music. I realised i didn’t even want a drink when i got there. I also noticed how expensive the drinks were. I will be happier, healthier and better off, what could be more of an inspiration? The comedy was fantastic, on point and moving at times. Just what a roomful of women needed on a Saturday night so close to Valentine’s night, some sexy sassy girl power comedy. Boom.

We left the venue which was preparing to turn into a nightclub in favour of a local cosy pub. A wise move, and one which made me realise i’ve chosen a good time to kick the booze. I’m not in my 20’s anymore. I’m not saying i won’t  have a late night clubbing ever again, i mean i can’t excuse waking up with a horrific hangover and vomiting the next day because of it. I want to look after my body, my heart, my liver. I want to make the most of my Sundays. I have done ENOUGH days feeling sorry for myself or hiding under my duvet. enough enough enough.

Home, in bed with make up  washed off – that really is a first! I don’t feel high and mighty and proud of myself. I just feel calm and ready to continue this journey.

Goodnight x