The ‘Fuck it’ attitude

I feel as though I have struggled a bit today. Nothing drastic has happened, i have just been feeling a bit anxious and tired. I think lack of sleep hasn’t helped. Also having this much time off work and mainly to myself takes a bit of getting used to.

Last night I stayed up making a digital photo book, a collection of stills from the last film I worked on. I didn’t intend to work through the night to get it done, i just got into the zone and was really enjoying seeing it all come together. Before I knew it the book was 96 pages long, is going to cost £100 to get printed and I could hear birds singing, it was 7am. I pressed order and climbed into bed feeling wired and weirded out that i have no off button. It’s not like I was working on a deadline or to a cut off date i needed to order the book by, it’s just  something i’ve been meaning to do for a few weeks. Any reasonable sane minded person would’ve had a rethink in the morning and realised £100 per book was an insane amount of money and tried to edit it down.

Not me. I have no ability to reason with myself. In that moment there is no such thing as sense. Whatever i’m doing, about to buy, whoever I’m kissing, how much i’m snorting, who i’m sleeping with, if i’m smoking, how fast i’m driving or how much i’m drinking, it’s all the sam; if i choose it, if i want it, in that moment there is NO reasoning with myself. All the sins are somehow justifiable. Fuck it –  that has been my motto & attitude for longer than i can remember.

Staying up throughout the night when i didn’t have to get up for work is no major sin but the repercussions are frustrating. I was too tired to go to my pre paid exercise class, so that wasted £10. I was running late for meeting a friend for lunch so decided it’d be quicker if i drove into town. £10 congestion charge and £20 on parking charges, plus petrol. It’s wasteful and makes me angry with  myself. I had planned to get up, have a healthy breakfast, work out, walk to the tube and be on time for lunch. Fuck it i could say, sometimes life gets in the way, no one was hurt, £40 isn’t that much money bla bla bla. Bullshit, i’m so bored of excusing my dysfunctional behaviour. If i make a plan i want to stick to it. Fuck it just won’t fly anymore.

Positive actions of the day: (warning some of these are very trivial!!!) i got a refund on some john lewis items that’ve been kicking about the house for a while, i bought a new electric toothbrush but only after i’d been refunded for the faulty one i returned, i ate three healthy meals and drank lots of water, i upholstered my desk chair i’ve been meaning to do for a while – very home made style but still it’d done and looks fab! I went to  my happy place – the cinema – and watched ‘The Founder’ great film about the man who franchised then took over Mc Donald’s in the 50’s. A story I knew nothing off before. Oh and finally, day eight without drinking.

Goodnight. Next to tackle on the list of imbalances is my crazy sleeping  patterns !

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