This time last week i was pouring the remainder of a bottle of red wine down the sink. I had been on the phone crying to my mother. I had got up late, felt miserable all day, achieved nothing and come home feeling angry after my therapy session. Why should I have to give up alcohol? what does he know? i’ve only ever met him once and he thinks he knows me. As i went to pour myself the last glass of the bottle i had nearly consumed the entirety of, i stopped in my tracks. When i put my mind to it i have the will power of an Ox. I once turned vegetarian on a silly bet and that lasted nearly 20 years… So, i thought. This is it. Maybe i’m seeing his opinion as a challenge but what an amazing challenge to take on. Maybe it’ll be so successful i can then claim it was all my idea!! So the remains of the wine went down the drain, not my throat.
I am completely flabbergasted by how differently i feel. I am sleeping better, i haven’t got a headache when i wake up. I am not craving carbs, in fact i feel like i’ve got my taste buds back and am longing for fruit and vegetables. As a result of both these side effects i have more energy so have been to the gym twice this week. I have crossed off pretty much everything on my ‘to-do’ life admin list. AND i have not cried once, not once all week! That for me is a fucking miracle. For once i feel as though i am looking after myself and being kind to my body.
Writing has also been a hugely therapeutic exercise. I know it’s not the most exciting blog to read but it’s a brilliant way for me to track my emotions.
I haven’t been hibernating at home in the evenings as i feel like that would be an easy way for me to avoid confronting alcohol. Not that i didn’t used to drink at home. I often had a bottle of wine an evening to myself. I have purposefully been out to events where people are drinking. A dinner, a cinema evening where we meet fora drink before hand, a cosy pub on a sunday afternoon. Yeah sure i fancied a glass of wine or a beer on these occasions but I am fully aware that that’s not all i’d want. One glass has never been enough for me. Even if everyone else was restrained i’d want to continue drinking.
As i watch a film a day i have also noticed that watching films sober is a new experience. I am so much more aware of the details, the dialogue, the flaws even. I feel as though i’ll remember these films better too. They won’t just all merge into one another.
I haven’t lost weight. i know that because i had a new patient check at the doctor this morning and had to weigh myself. I am 155cm tall and weigh exactly 10 stone. So, the aim is to get back to 9 stone, that’s what i used to weigh in my 20’s. Just because i’m in my early 30’s now why should accept carrying a stone more weight ?! I have made a pact with myself not to go on diet though, every diet i’ve ever tried has become an obsession, no surprise there then! Instead I am eating three meals a day. No second portions and no snacking in between meals. That’s it. Those are my rules. Oh, that and the fact I want to try and do 3 three gym classes a week. AND no alcohol. Boom, if that doesn’t work i don’t know what will. Yes it’ll take longer than some fad crash, juice detox bullshit but i don’t care. I am this for the long haul. It is a lifestyle change, not a rapid transformation.
This afternoon i went to a pilates class and totally loved it. Unlike the mad boxing idea which i am STILL in agony from, pilates was peaceful yet challenging and instantly made me feel more toned. The teacher was a beautiful, elongated, silky haired, smooth skinned excuse of a woman who made me feel both envious and inspired!
At home, my haven of a flat, high on a london hill, i bathed by candle light then made a yummy supper, received my ocado delivery (yep my fridge is full of food… again!) and watched a film. ‘Hunt for the wilderpeople’ I didn’t love it, it had some touching moments but it was a bit too daft on the whole.
I feel content. I feel at ease. I have not felt like this for a looooooong time. Please can it last.