Day four: from squat to temple

Having this forced time off work has made me realise that i have zero hobbies. Yes i read, i occasionally or obsessively (depending on my mental health) go to the gym, i used to run nearly every day but haven’t done so for years, i play no instruments, i don’t go to any classes, i can’t really speak any languages (i don’t think French A level counts once you’re in your 30’s) etc etc etc. Ok ok hold up, let’s not get negative. Let’s think about what i DO show interest in and maybe what i could expand on…

Film. Film for me has never been a hobby as such. It’s a passion in that whilst working i love, live and breathe the movie i am making. In between jobs i watch a film a day, no not as an obsession like everything else in my life. Just because i love the adventure, the distraction, the displacement, the other worldliness of the stories and characters i am watching. I am very happy to go to the cinema on my own and was delighted when, at  Christmas my sister gave me the gift of membership to a local cinema – practically opposite my flat. So yes, film could be called one of hobbies and one which i’d like to  make more of an effort with. I don’t want to just watch the relevant and recent movies. I want to watch a broader range of films. Tomorrow i shall make a list and broaden my filmic knowledge.

Cooking. cooking can not be classed as a hobby for me. My  relationship with food, is like everything else which causes me confusion, stress, anxiety and distraction. Drink, drugs, men, sex, sleep, exercise; just add food to the list. Do i binge eat the therapist asked me? I said no with conviction because in my head i have a vision of someone stuffing themselves with chocolate bars when i think of binge eating. I have never done that. However, on reflection, since our brief chat about food, i have come to think that maybe i do binge – or at least used to until 4 days ago. This is partly because i don’t cook. I don’t plan, i don’t do a weekly food shop, my fridge is inevitably empty bar booze, the odd lemon and a jar of something. my usual eating habits are to miss breakfast every morning. Instead I chase a black coffee with yet another black coffee. Around 10.30 / 11am i feel starving at work, cross with  hunger, hangry i think it’s recently been nicknamed. So i eat a few rounds of toast with more coffee which sustains the hunger but also puts me off lunch. Around 3pm the same thing happens, i’m famished, faint even with hunger and my head hurts because i’ve drunk too much coffee and not a drop of water. By this time i’m normally out for work, so stop at a petrol station and eat an unhealthy late lunch of sandwiches, crisps and chocolate which i think will help wake me up. off course the opposite happens, after a short sugar high, the carb loaded lunch kicks in and i am crashing… one way to fix this… caffeine. By the time i get home, sometimes 9pm it’s too late to even think of cooking. So i either order take away on my way home or dine on wine and whatever i can throw together – toast, cheese, toast, cereal, toast. The next day, i wake with a headache – still de-dydraeted – and tired so breakfast consists of 2x headache pills and 2x coffees and so the cycle continues. Until i broke it, 4 days ago. Looking back at this confession i am slightly shocked at how i have been treating my body for so many years. Is it any wonder i’ve been feeling as low and pathetic about myself as i have for so long. I have come close to ending my life because i have such little self esteem and self respect. what a fucking waste. I will NOT dwell on these mistakes. i will be stronger for having learned from them. I’ve been treating my body like a squat not a temple. Thank fuck for the changes i have already made.

I have forced myself – forced, wrong word – too strong. Introduced myself to the habit of breakfast for the past few days. A fruit smoothie and a coffee. I have drunk  over a litre of water every day and plenty of detox teas. Lunch  has been fish and salad or something simple – an egg on toast. This evening i cooked for the first time in months. I made vegetable soup from scratch and was so proud of myself at the end when it was actually very tasty. Three meals. That’s all i need to keep up. It’s not a game anymore. No one cares if you don’t eat. I used to love the way my ex asked me if i’d eaten. I lied so so so many times and said no when i  had. Why? it’s so daft and sad. i just want to be worried about and cared for, however i can get the attention i will go after it. i think back to a time my friends told me i’d got too thin – it was during my cocaine days – not that they knew that. i loved that feeling of people worrying. and now i hate myself for loving that. it’s so pathetic and hopeless. I just want to be  healthy. i can feel my body absorbing all the nutrients and goodness I’ve given it recently and it is responding by being kinder to my mind. my mind feels clearer and calmer. It’s just me now. i’m not proving anything to anyone, i’m not pretending, there’s nobody to lie to. It’s just me.

Writing – now there’s a hobby! Boom, i love it too.

Tomorrow …. list of films and exercise.

Good night x

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