Expensive Insomnia

It’s 4.30am, i am yet to go to sleep.

As i am completely wide awake i decided to read about how long it takes your body to de-tox after quitting alcohol. One of the main side effects mentioned, which should hopefully only occur in the first two weeks, is insomnia. This is because my body has been used to alcohol as a sleeping aid in the evenings. Over time is has affected my sleep homeostasis; the regulating mechanism or 24 hour body clock. This is also why  people who drink heavily normally ‘pass out’ then wake up in the middle of the night feeling restless. Basically i have been missing out on the REM stage so my body can no longer communicate to itself how to fall asleep.

I feel sick to think that my internal system is all out of kilt because of booze. I’ve been damaging myself in so many ways that i didn’t even think of.

Aghhhhhhhhh Don’t do your normal thing and start berating yourself and beating yourself up for what has happened in the past. Its in the past, leave it there. 

It was reassuring to read about how quickly my liver would start to lose fat, which has apparently built up over years of drinking. My blood pressure will reduce, my concentration will increase and eventually I should sleep a lot better. I really hope so because this insomnia business is not fun. I think it could drive me completely mad and will also leave me bankrupt!

Last night it was the £200 photo books (one for me and one as a gift for my boss)

Tonight i have done a £200 ocado shop – BUT that is enough stuff to do a whole afternoon of cooking on Sunday to freeze stuff. See, it’s good – i’m thinking ahead, planning, organising, or just behaving like a mad nocturnal animal !

I guess this way it means I can get a lot of life admin done in the middle of the night !!

Oh fuck, who am i kidding, this fucking sucks. My body feels twitchy and aching, a weird combination of wanting to rest and wanting to go for a run or swim or something. I feel like i’ve got a whole load of nervous energy built up. I’m also hungry but i’m not eating now, it’s 5am, that’s madness. I’d go for a walk but i don’t think it’s very wise a young female walking around on her own in the dark.

I also feel really hot. I have barely turned my heating on in the last week. yeah i guess it’s got a bit milder but not that much. It’s still February. I’ve just opened my bedroom window to let some air in and  i feel hot and trapped and a bit panicked. I just want to be asleep like a normal person…

I have to fight this stage. I will force myself to get up early tomorrow, today even, in a few hours. even if i’m asleep by then. I will take a walk, do pilates and maybe not drink any coffee tomorrow. But, If i’ve got to give up alcohol AND coffee i will be seriously fucked off! No coffee after mid day, let’s try that instead…

Good night / good morning

The ‘Fuck it’ attitude

I feel as though I have struggled a bit today. Nothing drastic has happened, i have just been feeling a bit anxious and tired. I think lack of sleep hasn’t helped. Also having this much time off work and mainly to myself takes a bit of getting used to.

Last night I stayed up making a digital photo book, a collection of stills from the last film I worked on. I didn’t intend to work through the night to get it done, i just got into the zone and was really enjoying seeing it all come together. Before I knew it the book was 96 pages long, is going to cost £100 to get printed and I could hear birds singing, it was 7am. I pressed order and climbed into bed feeling wired and weirded out that i have no off button. It’s not like I was working on a deadline or to a cut off date i needed to order the book by, it’s just  something i’ve been meaning to do for a few weeks. Any reasonable sane minded person would’ve had a rethink in the morning and realised £100 per book was an insane amount of money and tried to edit it down.

Not me. I have no ability to reason with myself. In that moment there is no such thing as sense. Whatever i’m doing, about to buy, whoever I’m kissing, how much i’m snorting, who i’m sleeping with, if i’m smoking, how fast i’m driving or how much i’m drinking, it’s all the sam; if i choose it, if i want it, in that moment there is NO reasoning with myself. All the sins are somehow justifiable. Fuck it –  that has been my motto & attitude for longer than i can remember.

Staying up throughout the night when i didn’t have to get up for work is no major sin but the repercussions are frustrating. I was too tired to go to my pre paid exercise class, so that wasted £10. I was running late for meeting a friend for lunch so decided it’d be quicker if i drove into town. £10 congestion charge and £20 on parking charges, plus petrol. It’s wasteful and makes me angry with  myself. I had planned to get up, have a healthy breakfast, work out, walk to the tube and be on time for lunch. Fuck it i could say, sometimes life gets in the way, no one was hurt, £40 isn’t that much money bla bla bla. Bullshit, i’m so bored of excusing my dysfunctional behaviour. If i make a plan i want to stick to it. Fuck it just won’t fly anymore.

Positive actions of the day: (warning some of these are very trivial!!!) i got a refund on some john lewis items that’ve been kicking about the house for a while, i bought a new electric toothbrush but only after i’d been refunded for the faulty one i returned, i ate three healthy meals and drank lots of water, i upholstered my desk chair i’ve been meaning to do for a while – very home made style but still it’d done and looks fab! I went to  my happy place – the cinema – and watched ‘The Founder’ great film about the man who franchised then took over Mc Donald’s in the 50’s. A story I knew nothing off before. Oh and finally, day eight without drinking.

Goodnight. Next to tackle on the list of imbalances is my crazy sleeping  patterns !

Day seven: one week sober

This time last week i was pouring the remainder of a bottle of red wine down the sink. I had been on the phone crying to my mother. I had got up late, felt miserable all day, achieved nothing and come home feeling angry after my therapy session. Why should I have to give up alcohol? what does he know? i’ve only ever met him once and he thinks he knows me. As i went to pour myself the last glass of the bottle i had nearly consumed the entirety of, i stopped in my tracks. When i put my mind to it i have the will power of an Ox. I once turned vegetarian on a silly bet and that lasted nearly 20 years… So, i thought. This is it. Maybe i’m seeing his opinion as a challenge but what an amazing challenge to take on. Maybe it’ll be so successful i can then claim it was all my idea!! So the remains of the wine went down the drain, not my throat.

I am completely flabbergasted by how differently i feel. I am sleeping better, i haven’t got a headache when i wake up. I am not craving carbs, in fact i feel like i’ve got my taste buds back and am longing for fruit and vegetables. As a result of both these side effects i have more energy so have been to the gym twice this week. I have crossed off pretty much everything on my ‘to-do’ life admin list. AND i have not cried once, not once all week! That for me is a fucking miracle. For once i feel as though i am looking after myself and being kind to my body.

Writing has also been a hugely therapeutic exercise. I know it’s not the most exciting blog to read but it’s a brilliant way for me to track my emotions.

I haven’t been hibernating at home in the evenings as i feel like that  would be an easy way for me to avoid confronting alcohol. Not that i didn’t used to drink  at home. I often had a bottle of wine an evening to myself. I have purposefully been out to events where people are drinking. A dinner, a cinema evening where we meet fora drink before hand, a cosy pub on a sunday afternoon. Yeah sure i fancied a glass of wine or a beer on these occasions but I am fully aware that that’s not all i’d want. One glass has never been enough for me. Even if everyone else was restrained i’d want to continue drinking.

As i watch a film a day i have also noticed that watching films sober is a  new experience. I am so much more aware of the details, the dialogue, the flaws even. I feel as though i’ll remember these films better too. They won’t just all merge into one another.

I haven’t lost weight. i know that because i had a new patient check  at the doctor this morning and had to weigh myself. I am 155cm tall and weigh exactly 10 stone. So, the aim is to get back to 9 stone, that’s what i used to weigh in my 20’s.  Just because i’m in my early 30’s now why should accept carrying a stone more weight ?! I have made a pact with myself not to go on diet though,  every diet i’ve ever tried has become an obsession, no surprise there then! Instead I am eating three meals a day. No second portions and no snacking in between meals. That’s it. Those are my rules. Oh, that and the fact  I want to try and do 3 three gym classes a week. AND no alcohol. Boom, if that doesn’t work i don’t know what will. Yes it’ll take longer than some fad crash, juice detox bullshit but i don’t care. I am this for the long haul. It is a lifestyle change, not a rapid transformation.

This afternoon i went to a pilates class and totally loved it. Unlike the mad boxing idea which i am STILL in agony from, pilates was peaceful yet challenging and instantly made me feel more toned. The teacher was a beautiful, elongated, silky  haired, smooth skinned excuse of a woman who made me feel both envious and inspired!

At home, my haven of a flat, high on a london hill, i bathed  by candle light then made a yummy supper, received my ocado delivery (yep my fridge is full of food… again!) and watched a film. ‘Hunt for the wilderpeople’ I didn’t love it, it had some touching moments but it was a bit too daft on the whole.

I feel content. I feel at ease. I have not felt like this for a looooooong time. Please can it last.

Goodnight x

Day six: snot spring yet but i’ll clean anyway

Snotty nose, sore throat, headache, dry cough, aching limbs… oh joy! I’m pretty sure the aching limb part is all self induced boxing injuries from yesterday so that i can’t complain about but the rest is pretty  yuk.

I was supposed to do a pilates class mid morning but didn’t feel up to it so decided to spring clean my flat. Why is organising one’s possessions so therapeutic? I went though my clothes, make up, toiletries, shoes and accessories and made a pile for the charity, some stuff for my ebay sales and the rest put away in a sensical fashion. I must make a pledge not to spend any more money on clothes for a while. At least until i’m back down to  my goal weight. Having been through them today it reminded me how many lovey items i own and how i must wear more of a variety and STOP shopping!!

My addictive personality effects me in the following ways:


Over the last 6 days I have touched on alcohol, food and exercise. Today made me think about how i spend my money. I want to talk about how i spend my money but i feel overwhelmingly tired so am going to sign off now and pick up this subject tomorrow.

Today’s Film: ‘Toni Erdmann’ third foreign film in a row. It was quite magical and unusual, too long but very unusual. Based on a father, daughter relationship. Another subject which needs addressing on this blog!!

Goodnight, thank you for reading.

To be continued…


Day five: punch, not drunk, love

Three facts: 

Feeling unfit = rubbish.

Being fit = the best feeling ever.

Trying to get from one to the other = very hard work !

Today began the fitness factor of my training. A healthy mind is my end game but a healthy body to match would be a dream come true.

Right now i weigh 9st 13 pounds. So basically 10 stone. Yes i know that doesn’t make me obese but that’s not the point. I am unfit, soft all over, i have unsightly cellulite on my backside and my clothes don’t feel or look like they used to. The alcohol and unhealthy eating habits have caught up on me and i can’t get away without exercising anymore. So, as per my mantra of change i put the first step forward to changing that today.

Having not done any exercise for over 5 months, the clever approach would’ve been to do a  pilates / yoga class to get me back into the swing of things. Maybe a swim even. Or you could just use my clearly insane style and sign up for a 9.30am box fit class with a military style trainer; non stop 45 minute boxing, squats, press ups and burpies all carried out to intense house music…. It was painful and i hated it. Having slept through my first alarm i woke up in a bit of a panic. I made a carrot, banana and ginger smoothie for breakfast then power walked to the gym. The smoothie was a mistake as it repeated on me every time i bounced up and down, which turns out was the whole 45 minutes. Everyone else there looked like they knew what was going on and even had their own boxing gloves with them! I was in the back row struggling to keep the massive gloves on  my hands and try and stay positive whilst burping banana and realising what a mad idea a box fit class was. Yuk. Needless to say my neck and shoulders are now in agony and my pillow currently stinks of deep heat. what a total idiot!

At least I had exercised, showered, washed and dried hair all by 11am, by which time yesterday i was only just getting up! so there’s an improvement.

I took the bus into town and met sister 1 for ramen. I am very blessed to have such close family  support. When my therapist recommended the 12 step program / the pan fellowship i realised i had a problem but also that i  did not necessarily need an organisation to kick myself into gear. I am strong willed when i put my mind to it and i have an incredible network of friends and family who have and will continue to catch me when i fall.

At home i had what felt like a solo birthday tea party ! I received 3 valentines cards in the post and a mini cake and card delivered by sister 3 to my front door this morning! SO much love. What a lucky girl I am. turns out a single girls V day is the new B day!

I made a list of films i want to watch (as per my plan yesterday) then headed to sister 2’s house for dinner and a film. ‘Tell no one’, a french crime thriller. It included some fantastic shots, a rather confusing but very clever plot line and some beautiful scenes of French landscape which made me long for warmer days.

I revealed my sobriety to sister 2 this evening. she was, as i expected, supportive but did mention that i have been though ‘clean’ spells before. Is this just another one of them i wondered? is this what people are thinking? do i care what people think? And so the anxiety kicks in and i’ve exhausted myself and my mind.

It dawned on me today that this is going to be really tough until at least 6 months have passed. I think that’s my goal date. Not to give up and start drinking again, no way. But a goal to realise I can make a change. That I can and do respect myself.

August 10th… feels like a fucking long way away. Oh fuck, Don’t wish the year away!

Step by step, day by day. That’s all I can do.



Day four: from squat to temple

Having this forced time off work has made me realise that i have zero hobbies. Yes i read, i occasionally or obsessively (depending on my mental health) go to the gym, i used to run nearly every day but haven’t done so for years, i play no instruments, i don’t go to any classes, i can’t really speak any languages (i don’t think French A level counts once you’re in your 30’s) etc etc etc. Ok ok hold up, let’s not get negative. Let’s think about what i DO show interest in and maybe what i could expand on…

Film. Film for me has never been a hobby as such. It’s a passion in that whilst working i love, live and breathe the movie i am making. In between jobs i watch a film a day, no not as an obsession like everything else in my life. Just because i love the adventure, the distraction, the displacement, the other worldliness of the stories and characters i am watching. I am very happy to go to the cinema on my own and was delighted when, at  Christmas my sister gave me the gift of membership to a local cinema – practically opposite my flat. So yes, film could be called one of hobbies and one which i’d like to  make more of an effort with. I don’t want to just watch the relevant and recent movies. I want to watch a broader range of films. Tomorrow i shall make a list and broaden my filmic knowledge.

Cooking. cooking can not be classed as a hobby for me. My  relationship with food, is like everything else which causes me confusion, stress, anxiety and distraction. Drink, drugs, men, sex, sleep, exercise; just add food to the list. Do i binge eat the therapist asked me? I said no with conviction because in my head i have a vision of someone stuffing themselves with chocolate bars when i think of binge eating. I have never done that. However, on reflection, since our brief chat about food, i have come to think that maybe i do binge – or at least used to until 4 days ago. This is partly because i don’t cook. I don’t plan, i don’t do a weekly food shop, my fridge is inevitably empty bar booze, the odd lemon and a jar of something. my usual eating habits are to miss breakfast every morning. Instead I chase a black coffee with yet another black coffee. Around 10.30 / 11am i feel starving at work, cross with  hunger, hangry i think it’s recently been nicknamed. So i eat a few rounds of toast with more coffee which sustains the hunger but also puts me off lunch. Around 3pm the same thing happens, i’m famished, faint even with hunger and my head hurts because i’ve drunk too much coffee and not a drop of water. By this time i’m normally out for work, so stop at a petrol station and eat an unhealthy late lunch of sandwiches, crisps and chocolate which i think will help wake me up. off course the opposite happens, after a short sugar high, the carb loaded lunch kicks in and i am crashing… one way to fix this… caffeine. By the time i get home, sometimes 9pm it’s too late to even think of cooking. So i either order take away on my way home or dine on wine and whatever i can throw together – toast, cheese, toast, cereal, toast. The next day, i wake with a headache – still de-dydraeted – and tired so breakfast consists of 2x headache pills and 2x coffees and so the cycle continues. Until i broke it, 4 days ago. Looking back at this confession i am slightly shocked at how i have been treating my body for so many years. Is it any wonder i’ve been feeling as low and pathetic about myself as i have for so long. I have come close to ending my life because i have such little self esteem and self respect. what a fucking waste. I will NOT dwell on these mistakes. i will be stronger for having learned from them. I’ve been treating my body like a squat not a temple. Thank fuck for the changes i have already made.

I have forced myself – forced, wrong word – too strong. Introduced myself to the habit of breakfast for the past few days. A fruit smoothie and a coffee. I have drunk  over a litre of water every day and plenty of detox teas. Lunch  has been fish and salad or something simple – an egg on toast. This evening i cooked for the first time in months. I made vegetable soup from scratch and was so proud of myself at the end when it was actually very tasty. Three meals. That’s all i need to keep up. It’s not a game anymore. No one cares if you don’t eat. I used to love the way my ex asked me if i’d eaten. I lied so so so many times and said no when i  had. Why? it’s so daft and sad. i just want to be worried about and cared for, however i can get the attention i will go after it. i think back to a time my friends told me i’d got too thin – it was during my cocaine days – not that they knew that. i loved that feeling of people worrying. and now i hate myself for loving that. it’s so pathetic and hopeless. I just want to be  healthy. i can feel my body absorbing all the nutrients and goodness I’ve given it recently and it is responding by being kinder to my mind. my mind feels clearer and calmer. It’s just me now. i’m not proving anything to anyone, i’m not pretending, there’s nobody to lie to. It’s just me.

Writing – now there’s a hobby! Boom, i love it too.

Tomorrow …. list of films and exercise.

Good night x

Day three: Sunday without the blues

Sundays for me are usually the hardest day of the week, emotionally.

My normal routine is to wake up mid morning; hungover. A pillow stained in make up & tears. Take away boxes or a dirty plate next to the bed, a dry mouth and pounding headache. My phone screen is usually full of whats app messages from family members planning a day together; lunch, a walk etc which I either duck out of and pretend i have other plans or cancel the ‘other’ plans i actually did have in order to mope about with my family, feeling sorry for myself and crying at least once during the day.

Time spent with my sisters involves time spent with my nieces and nephews, whom i love, naturally but who’s presence makes me cross, frustrated, bored and angry. Why are they so loud? why  do they interrupt me when i’m in the middle of speaking, he just said he wasn’t hungry now he wants food, she’s woken up and wants to be entertained. It’s annoying. I miss the days it was just us, without all these extra bodies, coats, hats, prams, bags and baggage.

I cannot quite believe how differently I felt about everything today. Yes i woke up late, but that’s because i went to bed late. Not because i was hungover. And yes i still woke up with a headache but that was from the central heating and dehydration. Not because i was hungover. Yes i woke up to messages from family members planning a walk and visit to the farmers market but no i didn’t duvet dive. I got up, had a healthy breakfast, a lovely bath listening to uplifting music and went out to join them.

Instead of wondering about aimlessly about the market thinking everyone was stuck up and rich with their bags for life and organic muddy carrots, I shopped – with my shopping list complied from the recipe books i’d read this morning! I joined in with my bags for life and found pleasure in purchasing those organic veggies, it felt lovely and i felt happy. it was like living in a Sulvainian family world.

After the market we went to the pub…. A slight moment of fear sunk in, i will admit. I’d love a beer i thought momentarily but it passed, very quickly. I made sure i ordered fast and didn’t deliberate incase i changed my mind. A black coffee and a soda water with elderflower. The children didn’t bother me at all, in fact i really enjoyed their company and didn’t sigh at having to share my juice with them. My sister and her 7 month old came back to me for the afternoon, we watched a movie and drank tea and hid from the freezing grey afternoon. It was just bliss and i loved playing with her daughter properly for the first time really. That sounds sad to admit but i have to be honest, i have no other choice.

When she left i was waiting for the Sunday evening blues to kick in. They weren’t there in the morning when they normally are, the time i usually feel most lonely. But they never came in the evening either. Instead of the blues I listened to the Archers, made a delicious healthy supper and watched the last few episodes of the Affair – it’s SO GOOD !!

I even got round to updating my bio for an event i’m taking part in soon – something i’ve been slightly putting off but felt i had a clear enough head to do  this evening.

So all in all, success. All hail the booze free weekend.

Tomorrow – Monday – it’s time to introduce exercise and a healthier diet….

Bon nuit x


Day two: passed the test

Funny how when you give something up it’s all you can think about, even if you didn’t used to think about it before. My first thought this morning was relief that day one was over and I was now well on the way to finding emotional and physical sobriety. Did I feel radically different, clearer headed and chirpy? Not particularly. It was a freezing, sleeting, grey February Saturday. I still woke up without a man by my side and an ache in my heart but yes i admit there was a change in my mental state.

I had breakfast and coffee with Ma, before taking her to the train station and coming home to my cold empty flat. Do i get low and feel the loneliness or do i fight it and enjoy this peace and solitude? The choice is completely and only mine. After receiving a tearful phone call from my sister about how tired she was and how her 7 month year old daughter wouldn’t sleep. I decided the later choice was one i should relish in. So, i ran a bath, gave myself a facial, manicure and pedicure. washed and dried my hair, made a tasty healthy lunch and curled up to watch an afternoon film in the serenity of my own space. it was sheet bliss.

I took my time getting ready for this evening and felt very happy in my outfit. I looked and felt like me. As i looked in the mirror i thought, can’t remember the last time i really felt i knew who i was. I’m not sure if any of that  makes sense, but it does to me.

It was a really enjoyable evening. 6 girlfriends, including 2 sisters, out for an evening of comedy and music. I realised i didn’t even want a drink when i got there. I also noticed how expensive the drinks were. I will be happier, healthier and better off, what could be more of an inspiration? The comedy was fantastic, on point and moving at times. Just what a roomful of women needed on a Saturday night so close to Valentine’s night, some sexy sassy girl power comedy. Boom.

We left the venue which was preparing to turn into a nightclub in favour of a local cosy pub. A wise move, and one which made me realise i’ve chosen a good time to kick the booze. I’m not in my 20’s anymore. I’m not saying i won’t  have a late night clubbing ever again, i mean i can’t excuse waking up with a horrific hangover and vomiting the next day because of it. I want to look after my body, my heart, my liver. I want to make the most of my Sundays. I have done ENOUGH days feeling sorry for myself or hiding under my duvet. enough enough enough.

Home, in bed with make up  washed off – that really is a first! I don’t feel high and mighty and proud of myself. I just feel calm and ready to continue this journey.

Goodnight x


Day one: easy peasy

Off course it was easy. It’s day one – if i failed now I’d be signing up for AA or the pan fellowship immediately.

I couldn’t sleep last night, my head was spinning with all the information i’d shared at therapy and all the great plans i have for my new sober life. I kept thinking about my birthday, which is 2 months away, how healthy and happy i’d be by then. I don’t want this to be just another phase in my life. Oh look she’s going through a ‘non drinking’ phase. Isn’t she being good. I want it to be just part of my identity. I want people to act normally around me but remember the fact I don’t drink. Just the same way I don’t have milk in my tea or sugar in my coffee.

I eventually woke around 11am, having missed my initial doctors appointment and 4 work related phone calls. My head ached, my mouth was dry and my limbs felt lifeless. The air in the flat was freezing, I cautiously lifted the edge of the bedroom blind to see snow drifting down upon disgruntled looking Londoners. Brrrr, i dived back under the duvet and fell asleep for another hour.

Mid day, Mid day for goodness sake. Up, music, coffee, bath on. Returned phone calls, second coffee in the bath. Amazing i thought how i struggle to drink even one glass of water a day and yet three or sometimes 4 coffees slip down a treat.

I brushed my teeth and took a good look at myself in the mirror. ‘Who are you and why are you so unhappy sometimes’ i said out loud to myself. I then gave myself a pep talk, during which i cried but never lost eye contact with myself. ‘You deserve to be happy. You are not a bad person. It’s not all your fault. Be kind to yourself. You will allow yourself to love yourself’

I dressed, applied makeup and tied up my dirty hair. Threw the window open to allow the lingering stagnant air of last nights wine and cigarette smoke out and the freezing sobering air of a new day in.

I invited my mother and sister for a simple lunch; Soup, cheese and tea. Not the fancy affair i’d normally do with everything laid out beautifully and plenty of money spent on the preparations. Simple and honest – just the way I want to go forward with my life. I talked openly about my session yesterday. About the therapists concerns with substance abuse and his suggestions that I join a 12 step program or the Pan Fellowship. My sister immediately scoffed at the idea, commenting that a 12 step program was for people with real problems. My mother wasn’t so quick to shun the idea but didn’t think the Godly nature of the Pan Fellowship would suit me. An opinion I agree with greatly. I am a spiritual person but an athiest all the same. I felt embarrassed at first talking about it but soon realised nobodys opinion really matters. This is MY life. it’s up to me to decide how i move forward from here and they will support me no matter what. that i really do believe now, after the traumas and dramas of the past few years. My sister asked if i was giving up with the idea that one day i’d be able to have a glass of champagne at a friends birthday. she doesn’t get it, nor does she realise how much of a dependancy i have. No, i told her. “when someone becomes a vegetarian, they’re not working towards being able to eat a bacon sandwich one day”

I spent what was left of the afternoon watching a few episodes of ‘the affair’ the program that makes me long for warm summer nights, sea swimming and to be kissed and held by a tall handsome man!

I spent the evening at my mothers flat, where i am now… sober and in bed at a reasonable hour – well its midnight but at least its not 3am. We watched ‘Captain Fantastic’, film about a man and his children living in American woodland, a peaceful idyllic life from the outside but so removed from reality and the challenges of ‘everyday’ life.

My mother is so proud of me. I reminded myself that this is not for anyone else but myself but still it was lovely to see her looking happy at me smiling rather than concerned for me. Day one. just day one is over…